Holding On To You For Dear Life
by Saintsavory
Summary: My attempt at a post-S3 story.


Author's Note: Like almost everyone here, I've been struggling with Piper's dramatic personality/priorities shift in Season 3. I must give credit to **alanabloom** —her analysis of Piper this season is on point, and I choose to believe that the writers will allow Piper to redeem herself in the end.

* * *

She never believed the stories that she'd read in the newspaper that a person's life flashes before her eyes as she's about to die. There were too many moments that God would have to choose from (if she even believed in Him) to make that legitimate. However, when Alex came face to face with Aydin in the greenhouse, she admitted to images appearing in her mind in quick succession—none that made her think, _I lived a good life_. They were images of the man standing in front of her now, along with Kubra and Fahri and a host of other cartel members. It brought bile to her throat.

 _Fuck_.

Alex swung the handle of the broom at him, missing by a mile.

Aydin spit out his toothpick and grabbed Alex by the shoulders, shoving her onto the splintered floor. Her right knee hit the ground hard, and a whimper escaped her mouth like a breath. He sprayed her eyes with pepper spray, the only weapon he appeared to possess. Although her glasses blocked some of the poisonous effect, her eyes burned like salt in an open wound. She tried to fight back and even screamed for help, but when he flipped her onto her stomach, she almost gave up.

"You had to know this was gonna happen," he spat as he wrestled one arm behind her back.

"Please, don't do this," Alex pleaded. "You don't have to do this!"

It all happened in seconds, and as Aydin reached for the handcuffs hanging from his belt loop, leaving one of her arms still functioning, Alex remembered the shard of glass that she'd hidden in her bra for the past few days. It had cut her right between her breasts, but she thought a superficial wound was a small price to pay for a little protection.

She reached into the neck of her prison shirt and pulled out the three inch shard of glass, and in one motion, sliced whatever skin she could reach. He instinctively covered his arm where a rush of blood began to pour onto his blue shirt, allowing Alex to crawl a few feet away.

"Fucking bitch!" He lunged after her, grabbing her by the ankles.

Alex wrapped her fingers through the black metal of the equipment cage, trying to pull herself up, but Aydin jumped on her back, again pulling one arm behind her. He punched the side of her head, causing her chin to hit the wooden floor. Alex could feel a sense of coolness on her chin and looked down to see blood dripping onto the filthy ground.

The creak of a door caused her to look to her left, where one of the black women who was in the greenhouse just moments before entered. She looked frightened, bringing both hands up to her mouth.

"Help me!" Alex begged.

The black woman disappeared for a few seconds, and Aydin pulled Alex by the hair, extending her neck and causing her to grimace. She could feel the blood from her chin rolling down-it felt like a tiny bug crawling down her neck.

When the woman reappeared, she had a rake in her hand and came charging into the room and successfully whacking Aydin in the head with the pointed metal. He scrambled to stand, so she hit him again and again until he was knocked unconscious and blood was dripping from his face.

"Go get help," Alex pleaded as she got to her feet.

The woman, who looked like she was in a daze, dropped the rake. A tear fell down her face as she looked at Alex like a frightened child.

"You have to get a guard, Johnson. _Please_ ," she demanded again, pulling the handcuffs off the man's pants.

The woman rushed out of the greenhouse, and Alex made quick work on tying Aydin's hands behind his back. She watched her own blood drip from her chin onto his back and felt her eyes watering from the sting of the pepper spray.

"What the hell is going on?" CO Peterson asked as he surveyed the room. "Inmate, get down!"

Alex did as she was told, laying on her belly with hands splayed in front of her.

"He was attacking her," the black woman announced. "Had her just like that on the floor and hit her good on back the head."

"He was trying to kill me," Alex said, scrunching her burning eyes and sniffling. "He's a man from my past, and he was sent to kill me."

Peterson looked confused. He radioed for help as he put a toe into Aydin's side to see if he was still alive. The man's fingertips bent, but he didn't open his eyes.

"Find Piper—Piper Chapman," Alex said. "She…knows him." She closed her eyes and rested her cheek on the dirty floor as she whispered more to herself than to the guard, "Piper knows him."

Two other guards ran into the greenhouse, and Peterson quickly explained what he knew. One of them pulled Alex to her feet and placed a handkerchief on her chin. "Call an ambulance."

* * *

When she finished branding herself with a symbol that she was still trying to wrap her head around, Piper walked down the corridor and back to her bunk only to find the area completely empty. No one was in the guard bubble, no one was in a bunk, and no one was in the bathroom. She walked at a faster clip down the long hallway to the cafeteria and noticed that the large space was empty. With a furrowed brow, she walked into the yard and saw a veritable shit show near the West perimeter fence. The inmates were soaking wet and laughing while a scant crew of guards ushered them back onto the prison grounds.

 _What the fuck?_

Piper stepped further into the yard, using her hand as a shield against the sun, and as she squinted and looked to her left, she noticed two ambulances parked outside of the greenhouse. A gurney rolled out with what appeared to be a woman with long black hair falling off the side. She took a few steps closer and tried to focus on the patient on the gurney as panic crept into her throat.

 _No_. _No, it couldn't be Alex._

Piper sprinted to the scene. "Alex?" she called. " _Alex_?"

"Calm down, Chapman." Caputo put his hand up to stop her. "She's going to be fine. I need you in here."

She ignored his request and jogged towards the back of the ambulance, peering inside. "Alex?"

"Piper," she responded, lifting her head. "I'm ok. Go with Caputo."

"What happened?" The blonde shook her head vigorously. "I don't understand…your eyes are red…there's blood…Alex, you're bleeding." She reached out to touch whatever part of her former lover that she could reach.

"Ma'am, we're going to have to ask you to step back," one of the EMTs demanded with a hand on Piper's arm.

She shoved the guard's hand away, not taking her eyes off of the woman on the gurney.

"I cut my chin." Alex removed the towel that she was holding against her face. "Please, Piper, you need to help Caputo."

The other EMT closed the back of the ambulance, and then got into the driver's seat.

"Chapman, get in here!" Caputo demanded.

"What the fuck happened?" Piper asked in a worried tone. "Is Alex going to be ok?" She stepped into the greenhouse and saw a man lying on a gurney.

Caputo pointed to the man with a bloody face. "Do you know this guy?"

"That's…" She took a step closer, and anxiety crossed her face with the sudden recognition. "Yes, he's… _Oh, my God_ …Alex used to work with him. Aydin, I think." Her hand flew to her mouth. "He was sent to kill Alex! She knew Kubra would send someone, but she never suspected a guard…I need to be with her." She turned to walk out of the greenhouse.

Caputo exchanged a look with CO Peterson. "You're not going anywhere, Chapman."

Peterson captured her arm, and Piper glared at the mustachioed man.

"Vause is headed to the hospital, and like she said, she's going to be fine." He motioned for Peterson to release her. "I need you to tell me about Aydin."

Her entire body trembled at the thought of someone trying to kill Alex. The rational side of her didn't exist in that moment; she just needed to get to her.

"Mr. Caputo," she began in the calmest voice she could muster. " _I need to be with Alex_."

He looked her in the eyes and said very carefully, "She is gone, Chapman, and she's not coming back any time soon."

Piper rubbed her hands over her face in frustration.

"You said you know this man," he tried again. "Anything else you can provide is essential," he paused before looking directly at her again. "…to help Vause."

She nodded slowly and willed her heartrate to lower.

Caputo nodded back in understanding. "My office."

The chaos outside had subsided a bit, but Piper still didn't know what had happened while she was branding herself in the chapel. She didn't have time to care about anything other than Alex.

* * *

"All done," the resident doctor said as he placed the suture kit on a metal tray.

Alex rubbed the bandage on her chin. "How many stitches?"

"Only eight." He removed his latex gloves. "You were lucky."

A technician walked into the room with an x-ray, and then handed it to the young doctor. He examined it for a moment. "No head injuries and your jaw is fine, but you have a concussion."

"He punched me pretty fucking hard," she replied, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back onto the soft hospital pillow.

"I gave you a high dose of ibuprofen, so you should feel better soon. You're going to want to take two every four to six hours as the pain persists."

She nodded, still with eyes shut.

"I'll let you rest," the resident said. "Someone will be in to check on you soon."

Alex took in a long, deep breath and exhaled slowly. She replayed the last couple of hours in her mind and paled at the thought of Aydin getting a job as a prison guard. He was sent to kill her, that much was certain, and she could only hope that Piper would be able to identify him so that Cuputo and the prison administrators understood that _she_ wasn't the instigator.

If she was being honest with herself, she liked that Piper saw her on the gurney in the ambulance—she deserved to wonder what happened and suffer at the thought that her not-that-long-ago lover was hurt. Piper didn't deserve her compassion; not after everything they'd been through in the last month. Alex hoped that no one told Piper she'd be ok—she _wanted_ her worry and struggle with the knowledge that someone was sent to kill her.

She had no idea how long she was sleeping when a nurse came into the room to check her vitals.

"How are you feeling?" The nurse asked as she inserted a thermometer into Alex's mouth.

"Groggy," she replied around the thin device. She noticed a prison guard standing near the door.

The nurse ran a few other checks. "I'll let Dr. Harrison know you're awake."

As the nurse walked out, Alex turned to the guard. "How long have I been here?"

She looked at her watch. "Almost six hours."

She rubbed her chin, feeling the rough bandage along the curve. "Are you taking me back to Litchfield?"

The guard nodded. "As soon as we get the 'all clear.'"

"Do you know anything about that man? The one who attacked me?"

"I've been in here with you since we got here, so I don't know nothin'," the guard replied, taking a seat in one of the plastic chairs and picking up a magazine. "I suggest you stop asking questions, inmate."

Alex didn't recognize the guard, but she recognized the coldness that _all_ guards exhibited. She longed for the days when Fischer was around; at least she seemed to give a damn.

* * *

Piper had just finished explaining to Caputo how she knew Aydin, which led to her divulging information about Kubra and the trial in Chicago. Judging by the way Caputo kept scratching his face and pacing, she was sure he knew the prison was fucked by not doing enough of a background check on the new guards.

"That's all for now, Chapman," he announced. "I'll let you know if we need anything else."

"There's one more thing." Piper stood. "Alex was worried about another inmate who was brought here about a month ago, Lolly Whitehill. She suspected that Lolly was sent by Kubra to hurt her." She swallowed hard and looked down. "I didn't believe her, but now I wonder if there was some truth to that."

"Whitehill?" Caputo asked.

Piper nodded.

"Peterson!" He called to the guard. "Get me inmate Whitehill."

"Thank you." She gave him the best smile she could, which wasn't much. "Mr. Caputo, I know this is asking a lot, but I'm _begging_ you, please let me know what you hear about Alex's condition."

He flexed his jaw and nodded before turning his attention to the other guard in the room. "Take Ms. Chapman back to her bunk."

* * *

"Where were you during the prison break?" Red asked, lowering a magazine she was reading.

She creased her forehead. "The what?"

"There was a hole in the fence," Red began. "Almost everyone escaped and jumped into the lake." She went on to tell Piper the story, but as the blonde laid in her bed, she couldn't focus on anything other than what a _fucking fool_ she'd been. She looked at her arm and read the tattoo that Stella had given her. Why on earth had she allowed a woman who meant _nothing_ to her, brand her for life?

Red jutted her chin towards Piper. "What did you do to yourself?"

There was no sense in lying. "I let Stella tattoo my arm."

She huffed. "I'm guessing that was a poor choice."

Piper turned her head towards the older woman. "Everything I've done for the last month has been a poor choice."

"That's what power will do to a person." Red smirked. "You think it will make you happy; _respected_ , but it just makes you lonely. Trust me."

"But you're back in the kitchen." She sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. "Doesn't that mean you have your power back?"

Red laughed. "Have you _eaten_ that food? It's not fit for cows and pigs."

Piper furrowed her brow, and Red continued. "To others, it might seem that I regained my power by taking control of the kitchen again, but the prison decided that we should use pre-packaged meals. They took my _real_ power away." She stood and shrugged. "So you see, I _feel_ just as powerless as you do now." Before walking out of the cube, she turned back to Piper. "It's not worth it in the end, honey. Remember that."

Piper felt raw. She wanted to curl up in a ball and cry—cry for all of the stupid mistakes she'd made and the way she'd treated Alex. _Alex_ , the love of her life. Why was that not enough? Why did she have to seek someone else? What was the importance of power when she couldn't be with the woman she craved?

She stormed out of her cube and headed to the chapel where she'd left the tattoo gun. Even though she'd branded herself six hours ago, she needed to feel the sting of the needle again. Piper yanked off her shirt and unhooked her bra. She furiously began inking herself just above her left breast, over her heart. The dark ink that created the letter _A_ made her cry. She slowly formed a lowercase _l_ , letting her tears fall viciously down her cheeks. She finished with a small _e_ , and then an _x_. Maybe, she thought, if Alex was always with her— _on her_ —she'd feel whole again.

* * *

At 7 a.m. Piper waited in the hallway where the prison administrators reported to work. She scratched at the scabs on her arm, wishing she could tear _the whole fucking tattoo_ completely off her skin.

Caputo stepped into the hallway.

"Mr. Caputo." She lunged towards him. "Any news about Alex?"

He looked at her like she was crazy. "Vause? I thought she was back?"

Piper stopped in her tracks. "What?"

Caputo kept walking, but twisted his head around. "Yeah, she was readmitted around 11 o'clock last night."

Piper rushed back to the living quarters and headed to Alex's cube. Before she was even around the corner, she called with a hopeful voice, "Alex?"

No one was in the cube, and her bed looked perfectly made. Piper checked the two bathrooms, and there was still no sign of her. "Have you seen Alex?" she asked Lorna.

"No, but I heard she got pretty messed up," Lorna replied, drying her hair. "You ok, Chapman?"

"I'm fine," she said coldly as she exited the bathroom.

She walked to the cafeteria and was astonished to find Alex in the breakfast line. "Alex!"

The dark haired woman ignored the call.

Piper approached Alex and instinctively wrapped her arms around her. She didn't feel Alex's arms returning the embrace.

"You see me. I'm fine, now go away." Alex took a step forward, following the progression of the line.

"There was so much blood," Piper tried. "Let me see your chin." She reached out to grasp her face.

Alex swatted her hand. "Do _not_ touch me!"

Piper felt all eyes in the dining hall on her. "Alex, I…"

"You what? You believe me now—that someone was sent to fucking kill me?" She shook her head and pushed her glasses higher on her nose. "It's a little too late for that, Pipes."

"You heard her," Flaca piped in. " _Step, bitch!_ "

She stood there, immobile, until Black Cindy tapped her on the shoulder. "You in line or what, Chapman?"

Piper shook her head and skulked away.

* * *

Alex took a seat across from Yoga Jones, trying desperately to keep Piper off her mind.

 _Fuck her_. Fuck her and her disbelief.

Of all people, Piper knew the wrath of Kubra. She'd seen him lose his temper on more than one occasion, and Piper even heard firsthand about what Kubra did to people who crossed him.

"I heard what happened," Yoga said. "I guess it could've been worse."

"Yeah." Alex kept her head down, poking at the eggs on her plate.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She tried.

"Does it fucking look like I want to talk about it?" Alex snapped.

Jones looked down at her oatmeal.

Alex pursed her lips, cursing herself for such a harsh reaction. "Sorry, I'm…It's going to take a while."

She nodded as if she understood Alex's pain. "I know."

* * *

Piper skipped breakfast in favor of a shower before she had to report to the sewing room. She stood under the lukewarm water and looked at the three tattoos she could see. She rubbed the bar of soap over her arm for what felt like an hour, until the soap fell. As she leaned over to pick it up, she wept.

 _I'm not worthy of anyone's love._

She believed that. Now more than ever, she was certain that was true.

Piper dried her body, and then wrapped the towel around her thin frame.

"You're something else, Chapman," Poussey said as she entered the bathroom.

"Excuse me?"

"You fucked over two women in, like, two weeks," Poussey stated. "That ain't no way to live in here, yo."

Piper stared at her reflection in the mirror, and when Poussey exited, she whispered, "No, it's not."

* * *

Two weeks passed, and Alex was physically on the mend, but her heart was torn to shreds. She watched Piper isolate herself and simply go through the motions of being alive. She never saw her former lover smile, and she rarely heard her voice. Alex reminded herself constantly: _Piper did this to herself_. She created this scenario of pain and grief and loss.

"Have you seen Chapman today?" Red asked.

"No, why?" She cursed herself for caring.

"She cut her hair." Red picked two ripe tomatoes.

"So?"

"By herself," she corrected. "Looks like she stuck her head under a lawn mower."

Alex stopped sweeping and bit down hard on her back teeth.

"She wants to look ugly," Red continued.

"Is that what she told you?"

She nodded. "Said she doesn't want to be 'the pretty little blonde' anymore."

Alex ran a hand through her hair and looked away. "Piper is not my fucking problem."

Red put another four tomatoes into a basket and walked to the greenhouse. She turned around before stepping inside. "We both know that's not true."

Alex shook her head and tried to put up a mental block of what Piper looked like with shorter hair. It was no fucking use. She leaned the broom against the fence and walked back to camp as casually as she could—she didn't want to seem like she was on a mission.

She journeyed down the corridor, through the cafeteria, and down another hallway. No signs of Piper. She didn't know whether she was happy or sad at not seeing her; she'd done a fine job for two weeks of toeing that line.

"Hey," she stood in the doorway of Sophia's shop with hands on her hips. "Piper fucked up her hair. I have two beef ramen packets and a pair of tweezers."

Sophia tilted her head and stopped cutting Gloria's hair. "Girl, you know I won't take your tweezers. You got the best eyebrows in this hell hole besides me."

That caused Alex to flash a brief smile. "Thank you." She walked away.

"You wanna talk about _drama_ ," Alex heard Sophia say to Gloria. "Them two could be on a soap opera."

"No soap opera I want to watch," Gloria replied.

* * *

"Whoa," Cal commented from his usual position in the visitor's chair. "I'm not one who usually comments on outward beauty, but your hair is seriously whacked."

Piper raised a hand to feel her choppy locks. "It was too long."

Cal leaned forward. "Did someone do that to you?"

Piper shook her head. "No, I did it myself."

He leaned back and surveyed his sister. "Are you ok, Pipes?"

She flashed him a tight lipped smile. "I'm fine."

"Whatever happened with your girlfriend?" He asked, rubbing his goatee.

She shot him a death glare. "We broke up."

"That must've been tough."

Piper started picking at her forearm tattoo. "It was my fault. I fucked up."

Cal attempted a smile. "That takes a lot of guts to admit."

She stared ahead at nothing in particular. "I fuck up everything I do. Everything I touch."

"That's not true." Her brother tried to catch her eye. "The panty business is a huge success. You created that."

"That's over, Cal. I don't want to be a boss anymore." She focused on him again. "You and Neri can make your fake lady juice and take it over."

He raised his eyebrows and was about to speak, but paused instead. "Is there anyone in here who you can talk to? You know, about stuff?"

"I'm done talking." She stared ahead again. "Words can't fix what I've done."

After a brief visit with her brother, Piper walked back to her bunk and crawled into bed. She was most content curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth. It was in those moments when she could wipe her mind clean—forget about her miniscule world and the agony she caused.

"Damn, girl, that look does _not_ suit you," Sophia said as she entered Piper's cube. "Did Edward Scissorhands get a hold of your head?"

She didn't turn around. "I like it."

Sophia sat next to her and began playing with her hair. "You need a little, TLC, Chapman. Come on, let me hook a sister up."

Piper rolled onto her back and looked at the graceful woman next to her. "I have nothing to give you."

"Don't worry, honey," she swiped a piece of hair across the blonde's forehead. "It's taken care of."

Sophia walked beside her down the hallway, and when they turned down the West corridor, Alex was headed straight for them. She looked sad for a moment, but as they got closer, Alex smiled faintly.

Sophia bumped Piper with her hip. "That's something."

A small smile crossed Piper's lips. "Yeah."

As Sophia washed her hair—for an extra 5 minutes—Piper let go. She shut her eyes and allowed her tears to flow down her face and into the sink, down the drain with the rest of the water. The hairdresser didn't comment, she just kept massaging Piper's scalp and moving the stream of water back and forth.

Sophia adjusted the chair when she was finished, causing Piper to sit up straight. She towel dried the blonde's head, and then wiped her tear-stained cheeks. "Let's get you fixed up, honey."

* * *

It wasn't until the third week since she'd been attacked when Alex received confirmation that Aydin _and Kubra_ were in prison. She also heard that Lolly was transferred to Buffalo, which made her feel safe at last.

The library was up and running again, and they had nearly 100 books on hand. Alex spent most of her free time in there, reading anything she could get her hands on. Every so often, she looked at the entryway, remembering the rough sex she and Piper had almost three months ago. Despite the urgency of their encounter, Alex still loved the way Piper's mouth felt against hers. She treasured the way the blonde tasted and how she smelled. Her senses went into overdrive when she was with Piper, and against her better judgement, she longed once again for physical contact.

It wasn't just that Alex needed to be touched, she needed _Piper's touch_ , and she hated admitting that to herself.

"Have you read this one?" Yoga Jones displayed a copy of _The Untethered Soul_.

Alex scanned the cover. "No offense, but I'm not into mindful shit."

"I saw you reading the Qur'an a few weeks ago."

"That was when there were literally no books left to read," Alex commented, sticking her nose back in _A Wrinkle in Time_.

"Suit yourself." She began walking away.

"Hey, Jones," Alex called. "You still teaching yoga?"

"Every day at 4 and on weekends at 9 a.m." she replied. "You interested in joining us?"

"No, but I know Piper liked your class." Alex looked sheepishly at the older woman. "Has she been lately?"

Jones shook her head. "She could probably benefit from opening her Third Eye Chakra."

"Maybe you can ask her to join you." Alex shrugged, hoping she'd come off as nonchalant. "She won't go on her own."

"She should know that you still care, Vause." Yoga gave her a sad smile. "You should tell her that."

"The thing is," Alex began, standing and walking past Jones. "I don't."

"You keep telling yourself that," she replied softly.

* * *

Alex sat in the cafeteria for lunch, and for the fourth day in a row, Piper was nowhere to be found.

She opened a small carton of milk. "Has anyone seen Piper at meal times this week?"

Everyone at the table shook their heads.

"I haven't seen her eat a thing in days," Lorna commented. "Maybe you should ask Red."

Alex shoved her lunch tray away and stood. She stormed passed the kitchen entryway and into the galley. "Have you seen Chapman eat anything recently?"

Red looked up. "Who am I, her keeper?"

"You're her fucking roommate," she said with acrimony. "She hasn't been eating, has she?"

"I don't keep track of anyone's eating habits," Red replied with an equal amount of bitterness. "Why don't you grow a pair of balls and ask her yourself?"

Alex rolled her eyes as she exited the kitchen and went in search of one person who she knew could help.

"Chang, how much for two of those vegetable cakes you make?"

"Two Coca-Cola, fruit punch, and bag of Fritos—big bag," she said from her bunk. "When you need, lesbian?"

"As soon as possible," she sighed.

Chang stood. "Thirty minutes, you come back."

Alex nodded, and then walked away.

* * *

She'd found a place in the yard where no one noticed her, and during meal time, Piper sat near the fence looking towards the lake. She didn't take in the beauty that laid beyond the fence; instead, she thought about drowning. She was never good at holding her breath for very long, and it would only take a minute for her to lose consciousness.

Trouble was, the fence was mended and there was no way out.

She never allowed the tattoo on her arm to fully heal, and she picked at the scab, this time until it bled. She licked the blood off her arm, blanching at the metallic taste in her mouth.

"You're not an easy person to find these days," Alex said as she approached her from behind.

"No one is looking for me," Piper replied, quickly pulling her long sleeved shirt over her arm.

Alex tossed a packet wrapped in napkins onto her lap.

"What's this?" she asked, peeking inside.

"Chang makes these veggie cakes out of peas and Fritos," Alex said with hands on her hips. "They're surprisingly good."

"I'm not hungry." She looked away.

"Fine, starve." Alex shook her head and walked to the greenhouse.

Every instinct in Piper's body told her to call Alex back—to apologize for _so fucking much_. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She watched Alex walk into the greenhouse and out of sight.

Alex kept the door ajar and watched the blonde open the packet and sniff the veggie cakes. Piper took one bite, then another.

Alex smiled.

* * *

Piper wandered through the yard on a crisp, autumn Saturday, tearing apart a large, gold leaf that had fallen from one of the Maple trees that stood on the other side of the fence. She was reminded of the game she used to play with her friends as a child: _He loves me, he loves me not_ as they plucked petals off of flowers and tossed them aside.

 _She loves me not._

She'd isolated herself from her prison friends, especially the ones she'd employed in the panty business. They did not take kindly to her sudden decision to close shop, and they let her know their feelings in no uncertain terms. The only person who talked to her regularly was Red, but Piper figured that was more out of roommate obligation than friendship.

Other women, like Taystee, Lorna and Brooke, tried chatting with her occasionally, but her one word answers were probably not what they were looking for. She didn't deserve their company or their sympathy. She deserved to suffer in silence with no power and certainly no love given and none taken.

"Good morning, Chapman," Yoga Jones greeted.

"Hi."

"We're doing yoga outside today. Wanna join us?"

"I…" Piper squinted into the sun. "I haven't done yoga in a long time."

Jones touched her arm and smiled. "All the more reason to practice now."

Yoga was restorative, Piper thought. She didn't want to be _restored_ to her former ways. She was about to decline Jones' offer and walk away when she noticed Alex approaching the six women who were seated cross legged on the field.

Alex stepped closer. "Hey."

"Since when do you do yoga?" Piper hated her judgmental tone and wanted to retract her statement immediately.

Alex shrugged and looked at the sky. "It's a good day to try something new."

Piper felt the corners of her mouth turn upwards.

"Alright everyone," Yoga Jones began. "Let's harness our minds and balance our bodies by devoting five minutes to pranayama. Breathe in through your nose and let your belly fill with air, and then exhale slowly."

Alex sat on the cool grass and mirrored the other women's positions. "Either sit down or move, Piper. You're fucking with my _pranayama_."

Piper did something she hadn't done in a month—she laughed. The sound felt foreign to her, and she covered her mouth as if she'd just uttered a curse word.

"What? Did I say it wrong?" Alex peered up at her.

"No." Piper smiled a more genuine smile this time. She sat next to her former lover and tried to control her breathing.

Alex cursed herself for basking in the glow of Piper's smile. She'd always loved her perfectly white teeth and her dimples. She especially enjoyed when the blonde's dimples made an appearance during sex—there was something ironic about how cute her dimples were in contrast to her head bobbing between Alex's legs.

After yoga, Alex excused herself with a quick, "See you around." She couldn't be that close to Piper without either _laying into her_ or telling her how much she _still_ _fucking loved her_.

* * *

Three days later, the prison was abuzz with the return of Nicky Nichols. She was sent back to Litchfield when Luscheck was finally arrested for his involvement in his brother-in-law's drug ring. Despite the weather outside turning for the worse, most of the inmates were happy to see Nichols back at camp.

"I heard you and Chapman are on the outs," Nicky said around a bite of Jell-O.

Alex sprinkled salt on a boiled egg. "Word travels fast."

"No one has to tell me, Vause; I can tell just by lookin' at the two of you," she commented. "You icing _her,_ or is it the other way around?"

"A little of both, I guess." Alex took a bite of egg. "She asked me to be her girlfriend, then turned around and fucked that Justin Bieber look alike. Plus, she was on some power trip."

"So you're done?" Nicky asked.

Just then, Piper walked into the cafeteria, and Alex followed her with her eyes. "Have we _ever_ really been done?" she sighed.

"I don't know why you do this, Vause." Nicky leaned forward. "You tell _me_ that you're not really done, yet the two of you don't tell each other. It's like a fucked up Ferris wheel where you're too scared to get on, and you're too scared to get off."

"What can I say? We're both sadists."

"I'm going to leave you with some advice." Nicky stood. "People can go away in the blink of an eye, and you're left with _fucking nothing_. If you love her, she should know it. Stop wasting time."

* * *

Another week passed before Piper and Alex spoke to each other again. Piper had made two attempts to talk to Alex, once in her cube and once in the cafeteria, but the words wouldn't come out. She didn't even know how to begin a conversation with her former lover. She figured starting with an apology was appropriate, but those words were permanently lodged in her throat. Besides, _I'm sorry_ , would never be enough.

Piper showered earlier than usual one Wednesday morning when she simply couldn't sleep any longer. She'd had a bout with insomnia immediately after Alex was attacked, but it had subsided a couple of weeks later. Now it was back with a vengeance.

"Whoa, sorry." Alex looked up to find Piper standing naked in the shower stall, towel drying her hair.

"I was just getting out. It's all yours." Piper tried to navigate around the taller woman.

"What's that?" She squinted and looked at Piper's chest. It was hard to read _anything_ without her glasses.

"Nothing." Piper covered her upper body with a towel.

She stepped closer. "Is that a tattoo of my name?"

Piper blinked slowly, expression neutral, as she removed the towel.

The dark haired woman reached up, lightly tracing the tattoo with her fingertips. "You wrote my name on your chest?"

"The day you were attacked," she admitted, covering Alex's fingers with her own, eyes trained on the brunette. "I needed you to be a permanent part of me."

"You don't need a tattoo for that." Alex blinked back the sudden sting of tears.

Piper's chin quivered as she tilted her head and embraced the woman across from her. She placed one hand on Alex's head, the other on her back. "I've missed you _so_ much." She pulled back and grabbed Alex's face. "I am so, so sorry, Alex."

"I know," she whispered, unsuccessful at keeping her tears inside.

"I don't deserve you," she cried. "I know this is just a pity hug, but I needed to feel you."

Alex turned her head to place a kiss on Piper's wrist, and then removed a hand from her face, bringing their joined hands to her chest. "This is not about pity, Piper, and you _do_ deserve me. We deserve each other."

She shook her head. "No."

It was Alex's turn to grasp Piper's face and look directly in her eyes. " _Yes_."

"But I _really_ fucked up this time," she admitted, lowering her head.

"Yeah, you did. And we need to talk about it." Alex kissed her forehead, letting her lips linger for several seconds. "Piper, I _fucking love you_ , and nothing is going to change that. _Ever_."

Piper's tears rolled down her cheeks unchecked, and Alex wiped them away with her thumb. "There are going to be difficult situations in our lives, but we both need to be better at handling our shit."

Piper leaned in and kissed her softly. After three gentle pecks, Alex opened her mouth and deepened the kiss. Both women wrapped their arms around each other, holding on for dear life.

The End

* * *

Author's Note: The title comes from the lyrics to a song by Lewis Watson called, _Sink or Swim_. It's worth a listen.


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